It's been a while since I wrote you a letter. A LOT has happened this year. We spent the first couple months in New Orleans and attended our first Mardi Gras together. It's an experience that will likely get pushed to the back of your mind in some vague childhood memory, but one I'll never forget.
Having a sick mama who laid around all the time was really hard for you. Luckily for me, you are the World's Awesomest Kid and would read to me or play around me while I just laid on the floor waiting for Dada to come home from work. And even though I could see that it freaked you out a little bit, you put on a brave face and carried on with life.
I grieve the fact that I've not been my best self with you for nearly a third of your life. It. Kills. Me. I miss you and our everyday life that we had. When you say wistfully, “Mama, remember when we used to eat lunch together?” I curl up and die inside. Tonight I sang you two songs for bedtime while Dada held a screaming Alafair in the next room waiting for me to come feed her. I tried desperately not to rush our precious time together but it's so hard when there's a screaming baby. And you asked, as you do every night, when I could sleep with you again. I haven't told you the truth, that it will likely be a couple years and by then you will be well out of this sweet small child phase of life and not interested in such things. I barely made it out of your room before bursting into tears because I miss you so much. What I wouldn't give to have stayed curled up right there with you in my arms until I could feel your breathing slow and soften with sleep. What I'm saying is this adjustment is hard. When we finally regain our equilibrium one day, I hope we will look back together and say, that was the hardest time, but it now it is so much better. We will wonder how we ever had a life without our sweet new baby.
Here's to new beginnings in a New Year. And here's the last photo I took of you as an only child, two days before Alafair was born. Having you around is like having my own personal sprite.